Must read Blog

Ok, I just wanted to say that if you haven't ventured out and looked at my "other blogs" list, you really need to read the Bring the Rain blog, but have a box of kleenex nearby. I have no real knowledge of the lady writing it--friend of a friend of a friend . . . sort of thing. Anyway I was directed to her blog a few weeks ago. It is so moving, I find myself checking daily to see if she's written anything new. She is 30+ weeks pregnant, the baby's kidneys are non-functional and the lung are in even worse shape. Their girl isn't supposed to survive the delivery. So if you are in the mood for a good cry, want to see how the Lord is carrying them through this horrid time, and add someone to your prayer list check out the Bring the Rain blog and read about little Audrey Caroline.

Little Mormor

I just have to share how much Nicole is like her Mormor (mother's mother). We've always thought that she acted like Mormor, from how she crinkles her nose, her spitfire personality, a streak of stubborness, her love of mushrooms and pickles, etc. but recent developments have cemented the connection.

If we stop just a little quickly at a light Nicole has taken to clutching the arm rests of her car seat, gasps and exclaims, "You scared me!" Now if that isn't just like her Mormor I don't know what is. 80)

Sighs of relief

As many of you know it's been a hard school year for Skye. 1st grade was a huge transition--mainly because he switched from the Montessori system to the traditional classroom and it really through him and us through a loop. We had no idea that the change would be so difficult. While academically he was where he needed to be or above, and socially he's done great, switching classroom settings has continued to be a struggle, although we've made great strides and finally feel like we are getting there. (We have definitely decided to have Isaac do kindergarten in a traditional classroom to try to keep the same thing from happening with him) But although we've come a long way I've continues to worry that it was going to be an issue, that we weren't doing enough, etc.

So today the notices came home about spring parent conferences. They only have them if the teachers have concerns in the spring (and in the fall we actually had extra ones because of concerns the teacher had). Anyway, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and a prayer of thankfulness up to God when written on Skye's sheet was that the teacher didn't have any concerns or need a spring conference with us. I think we've finally made the transition!!!! I know that probably seems like a small feat, but to a mom who worries way to much it was worth dancing around the room for. lol

Be Still

This is actually a copy of an e-mail to a friend that I sent a couple of months back. . .
I was reminded of it when I was once again freaking out this past week over finances. So I went back to reread it and be reminded of how God continues to bless, lead and more often carry me through situations.

Ok I'm going to ramble for a minute. . . Try not to think I'm too crazy.

I'm having one of those freak out kind of days, worrying about . . . finances, how to handle situations with the kids, money again, getting the house in order, school next year for Isaac, Skye's speech testing results meeting that we have tomorrow, starting our small group, money again, etc. . . Anyway, after getting the kids to bed for nap and working on the dishes I felt like I was just getting more and more worked up about everything instead of letting it go. All of a sudden I heard the words "Be Still and Know that I am God" I glanced around as I could have sworn someone next to me said it, then figured that I am now really losing it and said to myself, yeah right I know that verse, easier said than done, I know God is in control but what about. . . Right then it was as if someone calmly shouted right next to me "BE STILL". Ok, that got my attention more. I looked around again to confirm I was still alone and then figured out that I better figure out a way to be still for a minute, but then got to wondering, how does one do that? What does that really mean? So I sat down at the computer (yeah, I know not a great way to start clearing one's mind and being still) and typed in the verse onto my yahoo search engine. I clicked on the first link that appeared-some Christian site that goes back to the original hebrew to give deeper insight into verses or some such thing. They had couple pages on the verse, but there was just a couple of things that really stood out to me (I've highlighted those words in red)

“Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. (Psalm 46:10)

AS THE CLIMAX of Psalm 46, this verse is not so much about meditation as it is about the mediation of God’s kingdom in the heart of faith. The command to “be still” comes from the Hiphil stem of the verb () rapha (meaning to be weak, to let go, to release), which might better be translated as, “cause yourselves to let go” or “let yourselves become weak” (in poetic contexts, the noun form rephai’im was sometimes used as a synonym for “the place of the dead”). But to what end are we to “be still,” “let go,” “surrender,” and even to “die to ourselves”? In Hebrew grammar, the emphasis of coordinate imperatives (“be still!” and “know!”) is on the second imperative. In other words, we surrender in order to know that God is in control as Ribbono Shel Olam – the Master of the Universe. We “let go” in order to objectively know the saving power of God in our lives. We give up trusting in ourselves and our own designs in order to experience the glory of God’s all-sufficiency (Ex 14:14). OK, I know we've all heard this verse a million times, and nothing said in these paragraphs is that new, but it just really hit me that I'm not allowing God to show His Glory, His Plans, His Love, when I worry and try to handle everything on my own. I claim to want to see what He has in store for me, but then I don't really completely surrender in order to allow Him to do all that He has planned. I say I trust Him, but then I continue to fret. I really do need to "Be Still" to "cause myself to let go" of all these things and truelly trust Him if I want Him to really be able to show Himself to me, and to see His glory So there is my ramblings. Just wanted to share.

Related?

I went in for Isaac's parent/teacher conference this week. He has the same preschool teacher as Skye used to have. I sat down and the first comment I got was, "Isaac and Skye aren't actually realted are they?" (Yes, she was kidding as they have a family resemblance) She went on to talk about how completely different they are. Isaac is our social butterfly, likes to challenge himself to do everything that anyone else can do, always looking for a job, stubborn, etc. Skye is much more timid, academic, and while he talks non-stop at home is more quiet and a follower in social situations. I am constantly amazed that two such different boys can actually be brothers. They couldn't be more opposite. Skye has a fit everytime we want to leave the house to go somewhere, and Isaac just falls apart at the thought of staying home and not having an activity. I can't wait to see how different Nicole is from her brothers, she's already so different (although I have to say she's closer to Isaac than Skye in personality).

Stories

Anyone who has met Skye knows that he loves to tell stories. They also know that he is currently obsessed with Star Wars- especially lego star wars. So I thought I'd share a portion of the latest story he came in to animatedly tell me . . .

"There was a lego storm trooper who was tired of fighting so he started to fly far away and just kept flying past all the lego planets until he reached another galaxy. When he got there he noticed that things didn't look the same. He landed on the first planet he came to and said, 'Oh man! The planet and planes here aren't built out of legos! How can that be?' Then he saw the people and plants and said 'Oh, man they aren't built out of legos either. How can that be? What's going on here that nothing is built out of legos?'"

He came and told me this story very dramatically, I just had to sit and laugh at his antics. I think that ruined the rest of his story. Maybe tomorrow he'll have more adventures of the lego storm trooper to share with me.

Oops

I spent the first part of my morning running around frustrated. It is a typical morning for us when Skye can't find his shoes, jacket, hat, gloves, etc. and is ready to walk out the door without having brushed his hair or teeth and just looks at me with that bewildered look as frantically try to find his stuff and get him out the door before he misses the bus. This morning it just felt like too much and I know I overreacted. It wasn't a good start to the day or week and after he finally did make it on the bus (with a new pair of shoes as we never did locate his normal shoes, and he had no gloves today either) I felt badly for how frustrated I was. But yet I still sat there planning on what I could possibly say or do when Skye got home to help him remember to put things where they belong so we can find them, etc.
Fast froward a couple of hours to me getting home from Target with groceries and some Easter goodies for the kid's baskets this weekend, I went to put them away and discovered I couldn't find the Easter eggs/candy that I had bought a couple of weeks ago. I have now searched the whole house, and can't figure out where I might have put them. So now I'm feeling sheepish as I remember my responses to Skye this morning when he didn't know where his things were. So now I need to doubly apologize to him this afternoon, see even Mommy has the same mistakes and we can work on it together.

The Big One- Skye's Birth

In looking back over my life easily the most life changing event was the birth of Skye. Most everyone has heard parts of the story, but let me try to put down in words some of the events and more importantly the emotions of those weeks.

We hadn't been planning on having children yet, we had planned to wait a few more years and be more stable first. But although unplanned, we were thrilled when we learned that we were expecting. The pregnancy news came with trials which can make up another story all by themselves, but ended up in us moving to Indiana. We settled in, David to a new job, and me into the nesting of motherhood. Throughout the pregnancy I felt an odd kinship to the biblical Hannah. I didn't understand it, my pregnancy was unexpected not sought after for years as hers had been. But still I felt this comradeship with her, like we were in a battle side by side.
Finally the day of birth arrived, I woke up in the throws of labor and all involved quickly settled into a routine. David and I were nervous with anticipation--today we would become parents! But labor didn't go as planned. I had started pushing at around 1:00pm and after hours of this no progress was being made. We consulted the drs, tried different approaches, and tried not to worry but to just concentrate on the task at hand. They didn't want to do a c-section, the baby was too stuck, but finally they became even more concerned about me and decided that they needed to do it. On my last effort before the c-section (after 7 hours of pushing) Skye was finally born.

He was covered in mecconium and immediately everyone there new there was a problem. They quickly tried suctioning him, but as I looked in his eyes I could see the fear and knew he wasn't ok. I got a brief glimpse of him as David carried him to the NICU to have him intubated. I was slipping in and out of conciousness, but I offered up one simple prayer repeatedly "Please Lord let me see my son again." I found out within a matter of minutes that Skye would need to be transfered to the children's hospital 3 hours away, but that they needed me to stay where I was at least overnight. So we gave our consent, they wheeled me over to see him again and touch his little hand before sending him off. One of the nurses handed me a polaroid snapshot of Skye that she had just taken--hooked up to machines, tubes running everywhere, and said "I thought you should have at least this, just in case." My heart was breaking and I knew the drs and nurses weren't confident that Skye would even make the transfer, but God had already given me peace that I would see my son again and I was holding onto that. So I was left with David to try to sleep holding a polaroid instead of being able to hold my baby.

Before Skye even made it to the children's hospital the drs from there called to let us know the steps that they would be taking. It was a list of first this, if that doesn't work, then this, etc. The last step they mentioned was ECMO-- a heart lung bypass machine, but they assured us that was a last resort.

We didn't get much sleep that night, but God was with us. God was all we had to cling to and David and I did just that. We hadn't expected this day to end like this--we were battered physically and even more so emotionally. Our baby was hours away in the other people's care, and we had no control over the outcome. I think that was a big lesson for both David and I, we are both a bit of planning and control freaks and this was completely beyond our worst case scenarios we had played out in our minds, and it was something that we had no way to control at all. I couldn't even think beyond the simple prayer I had uttered of just let me see Skye one more time, anything beyond that was just too overwhelming to think about.

I'll try to abbreviate the story here, we got to the children's hospital the following afternoon, and yes, I got to see Skye again. He was hooked up to even more machines, had on earmuffs to block out sounds, a towel over his eyes to block out light, was heavily sedated to keep him asleep, and we were told to try not to touch him, but we could hold his hand momentarily. For me it was enough just to see him. God had answered my prayer as He had promised. I didn't have the strength to ask Him for more.

As we walked through the hospital we saw children being pulled in wagons by their parents on "walks". Most had IVs or other medical equipment in tow as they were pulled up and down corridors just to get out of their rooms. You could see the simple joy that this brought to the kids in what had to be long hard days and nights for them being treated at the hospital. But even with the heartache I knew they must be going through I found myself envious of these parents- they were able to touch and interact with their children. I discovered I had one more prayer in me for God, "Please let me be able to hold my baby, just once."

It was in the next few days that I grew to realize where my connection with the Biblical Hannah came from. She had promised God to give her child back to Him if she could only have him for a little while. I felt that was what was being asked of me, was I willing to give my child back to God for His plans and purpose and not mine? In my constant talks to God I discovered that I was able to do that-not that I wanted to, but I was able to. I did tell God that I still wanted my prayer that I would be able to hold Skye at least once, but that I was letting go of Skye for my purposes and he was God's to do with as only He knows best.

The hours and days blurred by, I felt like I was a walking zombie- isolated from the outside world, and just going through the motions of life. Each morning we came in to hear the latest Drs report which always included a % of chance of survival for Skye. It didn't seem to be changing by the day, which that in itself wasn't a very encouraging sign. On Saturday, October 27th we heard that dreaded word again, ECMO. That evening the doctors explained that they had done everything they could but it hadn't been good enough, so the last resort was the only option left. They asked for permission to do the surgery to put Skye on the heart lung bypass machine. The machine would be pumping and oxygenating his blood so that his heart and lungs could rest and heal until they were able to do the job again. I felt like screaming at the doctors at this point--this was the last resort they had said we shouldn't have to reach, this was the last step, what if this didn't work? There was no last option after this. But instead of screaming like I wanted to I nodded my head and David gave the permission that we had to give. I sat next to Skye until the last moment I could before giving him a kiss on his head, telling him I loved him, and turning and walking out of the room. I fell into my family's arms as we cried and prayed together.

David and I walked the halls and held each other for the hour or two that the surgery took to perform. Finally one of the doctors showed up in the waiting room to take us back to see Skye again. When we saw him I knew that this had been what he needed. For the first time since his birth he actually looked like he was resting instead of fighting a losing battle.

Skye stayed on ECMO for 5 days. And on an aside let me just say thank you to any of you that have ever given blood. It took 7 units just to get him hooked up to the unit, and an additional 2 units a day to keep Skye on it.

When the drs came in and said that they thought Skye was ready to come off the heart/lung bypass I think I was more nervous than when they had put him on it. What if he crashed? what if he hadn't really healed? ECMO had become my security blanket keeping Skye alive, would he survive without it? When they did the surgery my mom and I paced the halls anxiously, poor David was at home waiting for my call to say how the surgery went (David had been driving the 3 hours back and forth between home and the hospital since Skye's birth, spending 1 1/2 days in each place- he couldn't miss work as he was paid on commission and we had no savings-- before heading back to the other). It was with much relief that I saw Skye that night. While he was still on a ventilator and numerous other devices and tubes his heart was beating a normal beat and he didn't seem to be straining.

November 2, Skye was eleven days old and I finally got to hold him that evening for the very first time. It was a feat getting him transferred from the bed to my arms with his tubes and everything everywhere, but the nurses and I finally managed it. As I sat and held him for the 1st time I couldn't believe that I was actually holding him, allowed to touch him, hold him close. I just kept thanking God for allowing me this moment, for getting us through to this point. I beamed with pride when David arrived to see me holding Skye. It was hard to leave the hospital that night, to put Skye back in his bed. But I knew Skye was in God's hand, he was God's child not mine.

The next morning we got to the hospital early to see Skye. I remember the Drs coming in for their daily rounds and being shocked when they handed us a 3 page list of side effects to expect. I smiled as I looked over the list, I think it surprised the Dr., but I responded, every day I've heard a % chance of survival when you came in. Today you are telling me about side effects, that must mean he's going to make it.

I wont go into the details of the following weeks of our stay at the Children's Hospital, but we were blessed. Skye got better, faster than anyone had predicted even in a best case scenario. We were home at 3 weeks, when they had predicted 2 months at best. As Skye got older we kept looking for side effects, and so far haven't seen any. Skye still has a scar on his neck from the surgeries, butno one else even notices it and that is my reminder of what a miracle he is.

Every day I thank God for letting us be a part of Skye's life. Yes, even in the days when I'm frustrated and ready to pull my hair out, I thank God that I got to have a day like that with Skye. Even the bad days are a blessing as I didn't think I'd have any days past that one where I got to finally hold him. Skye is now 6 years old, and I think a part of me still wonders each day that I've been given another day with him. We are blessed.

Awakening Moments

My life has had many awakening moments. Those moments where something finally becomes clear, moments of insight, some that are long remembered and others that then blend into the background tapestry of my life. Sometimes they come with laughter and others are crushing times that are life changing and you'll never forget.

Since I've never attempted to blog before I thought my first few blogs would try to remember or encapsulate some of these awakening moments. I hate to lose them from memory, and maybe they'll give someone else some benefit too.